When you really look at the mechanics of BDSM, it's very formal. All play must be agreed upon by all parties involved. If communication is not there, if trust is fleeting then the experience will be lacking and possibly dangerous. That being said, BDSM play can be extremely fun, comforting and therapeutic. Like with any other form of sex work, there are professionals who should be commended instead of stigmatized.

I want to focus more on Dom/mes than submissives or slaves. Dom/mes (Dom, masculine; Domme, feminine) are completely misunderstood by most outside of the lifestyle. Not that submissives aren't, but when venom is cast at BDSM, Dom/mes get the majority of it. They are seen as crazy, control-freaks, misogynist, man-hating bitches, rapists or just all around bad people. Any Dom who has female submissives only does this because he hates women and is hiding behind BDSM to vent his rage. Dommes are castrating bitches who hate men and are just hiding behind BDSM to vent her rage. You've heard those arguments, yes? Is that the case?

Well, no. As I mentioned before all forms of BDSM play are consensual and agreed upon before anything is initiated. The reasons for that are the same as those for anything else that is a consensual, interactive activity; point is to have fun, not cause unwanted discomfort. The scene is agreed upon before hand so the Dom/me will know what to do, how far to go. Remember, even the Dom/me has limits and there may be some play they will NOT do under any circumstances that a submissive or slave may request. Once again, this illustrates the necessity for negotiation and understanding before the first whip or feather or whatever comes out.

Salon favorite Nic, a BDSM Master, points out on His blog that his domination over His female submissives is not one of misogynistic motivation. The trust a submissive gives Him or any Dom/me is a fantastic honor, one that many wouldn't give a wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend or even best friend. It is a great responsibility that professionals in this field do not take lightly. The submissive/slave isn't viewed as any less of a person for surrendering that trust and letting go, even if only one time.

Being under the cruel yet sensual command of a Dom/me can be therapeutic. I had to explain this to my mother once when she was appalled by a case on that show Cheaters. The episode featured a man who was seeing a Dominatrix because he had control and communication issues. He loved his girlfriend but needed an outside party to help him get through those issues without being judged. Of course the girlfriend refused to even hear him out and here are this videocrew of that idiotic show in his face and in the understandably pissed off Domme's face.

This form of therapy is just as valid as laying on a couch in an office. Men (especially) and women who are very powerful in their line of work like to on occasion be trained by a Dom/me. As far as any sexual activity is concerned, sometimes it's there other times it's not. From sources I've read, this is a hot button issue. Many people get an erotic charge out of this exchange, which is why I included BDSM as sex work.

I have to admit that years ago (okay, two) I would've shuddered at the notion of BDSM. After researching the skill (and it does require a lot of skill and more than a little brains) I realized, as I'm sure many other people would if they just educate themselves, that I enjoy a little something in each column (B&D, D&S, S&M).

Like hot candle wax dripped on you? Or an ice cube tracing the curves of your body? That's S&M temperature play. Or being tickled with a feather? Tied with a silk sash to the bed post? There's S&M for ya! And who hasn't had the fantasy of reinacting a Thomas Jefferson/Sally Hemmings type of relationship....I know it's not just me! (BTW, that could be filed under B&D- bondage and discipline or under D&S- dominance and submission.) Point is, most people have fantasies or requests like these that go unfulfilled. Quite often a lover may feel uncomfortable doing this for/to their S.O. SO what's an S.O. to do? Remain unfulfilled and become bitter and resentful?

That's not healthy or advisable. This is where the professionals come in. They know what they're doing and will work it out with you. Whatever the price, it will be less expensive than bitter resentment and sexually frustrated anger.

Terms to know:

Domme- feminine Dominant in the BDSM lifestyle. Can also be called a Dominatrix.
Dom- masculine Dominant in the BDSM lifestyle.